Dear Self….

Someday, somewhere – anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself, and that, and only that can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.      Pablo Neruda

I had some great thoughts today as well as big break through’s.  I forgot it all when I became sicker and sicker with my Lyme today.  I hate what this disease does to me but I am also grateful for the grace in which I find I have to do to get through it.  Today my Lyme is causing me brain issues.  I am not able to think as well as I usually do.  I feel like my brain is in sludge and trying to move through it is like walking through tar.  My eye and hand coordination are nonexistent and my spelling is really bad.  Thank Goodness for auto correct.  I keep telling myself it is the new herbal medicines I am taking as well as the good food I am doing that is killing this disease and that is why I am so sick today.

Can you believe that an illness changes the body to help it grow and thrive?  When we give our bodies the tools to be healthy it causes the death of these diseases and their dead body causes us to feel even sicker.   So when you are fighting a cold and using natural remedies and you find you are feeling a little worse, that means you are killing that which is making you sicker.

I know that I am herxing as well and that alone is hard on the body.  I have been through much worse but every time you have to deal with the symptoms it is so hard to the mind the body and the spirit. I think at this times I find that I fight this illness harder and I really want for it to go away super fast. I don’t like feeling so tired and having no energy to do the things I want to do.  I need to be patient and keep reminding myself that my body is using these energies to fight and survive, we are so hard on ourselves.   I am learning that it only makes it worse on me when I fight against my tiredness. I have been learning to surrender to my body and allow my body to heal.  I find that as I do this I have tears form in my eyes and I feel like I need to cry.  Is it the spirit that is crying at the pain the body is suffering with?

I know that life is a journey of all our emotions.  It is up to me to allow those times to come and I be in a state of awe as I watch how my body deals with this disease right now. My meditation has helped me to not fight as hard as I once did.  I try to go into these times with my arms and soul wide open.  I have a hard time doing this because of the pain.  Emotional pain is hard but the physical has been knowing to kill people.  I wonder if I will make it on these days.  On my good days, I still wonder if I will make it.

As I share my feelings on this paper I feel shame at having had to put what I am going through here.  I have been taught that no one wants to see what people are suffering with.  They want only to see just the ending and it better be happy.  Well, I don’t think of death as an unhappy ending.  I am not ready to die but if that were to happen I would be more than OK with it.  I do believe that we come here to learn and no one is promised a happily ever after.  I am fine with this as well.  I really love the good days that I have and I have found from having this illness that life is so beautiful and rich with so many wondrous things.

WE can look at all the bad, or a better word, the rough edges of life as if it were a punishment or we can see it as the best learning time in our life. I learn more when I am at my worse. I have to watch that I don’t bite at people and I have to work really hard to love and comfort myself even more.  As an awaken person you see the opportunity to grow more from the inner you at this difficult time.

I am at a thresh hold of big change as long as I continue to walk forward and not revert to my old past thinking, then this will be the best revelation yet!!

Wish me luck.

to be continued…

Full moon hugs,


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