The act of letting go of someone is and will be a blessing in the end. It didn’t seem like it to me while in the throes of it. But as I am a couple of days into this I am feeling much better and love the freedom I have gained. I had no idea that accepting someone else’s hatred and allowing the power to control me with my own love, had been not only a physical drain but a mind and spiritual drain as well. Do we become physically, mentally and emotionally sick from others? Yes, Yes we do!
I love very hard, and I am a people pleaser to no end. I am hated for that. I wear my emotions on my shoulder, this makes people very uncomfortable. I am not about being a me-too person though. I am not listening so that when the person who is speaking to me stops for a breath of air, I can be worse than them. I use to be! It came from a place of hurt and limited thinking. I felt that I was indeed only heard when I was worse off than them. I am not that person anymore. I do not need to be worse off than anyone else to feel heard and seen. It takes a real hard reality to be able to step up to the mic and say to the crowd. My name is______ I am an attention hog, and I am worse off than anyone else in this room.
Life is not about who can be worse off, I have found through meditation as well as loving myself that there are much more beautiful things out there in this life than sadness and depression. That doesn’t change me from being an empathetic person who wants to make the world a happy place as I go around trying to make this happen. I do want to be like in a non-victim way. I hate that I even put that sentence there. The word Victim is so misused!!!
I would love to slap anyone who uses that word in that way, No one is a voluntary victim, and yes all of us are or have been a victim one or two times in our lives. PLEASE LOOK UP THE WORD AND USE IT CORRECTLY!! Those who call others victims are what I call Moralistic… overfond of making moral judgments about others’ behavior; too ready to moralize. They worry about what others are doing, and in their own insecurities they call them down. So yes I have been a victim many times in my life, so has everyone else.
It is with a new outlook at the close of this chapter on my life that I go forth and close off from those who deem it their God-given right to hurt others. I will not, and I am so proud of the fact that I do not have to be a part of their ugliness. It is very freeing to feel that choice and to move on with it.
I am very fortunate to have a very loving sister that has helped me to see what I really did not want to see. I am very proud of myself for viewing, as well as listening to my heart and not with my head. I know that our minds are trying to protect us, but there is a time when we need to shut out the fight or flight response and let the ego go. I know that my heart will not lead me to a place of conflict. My mind well that is what it is there for, to create a problem then try to solve it. No I mean this, look at your life, do you really have to deal with all of the issues the mind comes up with. I don’t know about you, but my mind can make up some pretty big problems or take a small problem and make it much bigger than it is.
The mind has a way of making us feel guilty as we make those decisions to not allow others to hurt us. We feel guilty for saying no, and we think liable for standing up for what we believe is right. It is sad that we can not be as open like a book and allow our exact thoughts to come forward because of limited fear based beliefs. How dare you say no to an adult child that is hurting you, you are their Mom/Dad and you are to be there for them no matter what? WHY? It is an injustice not to allow them to fall on their sweet little asses. If we do everything for them and protect them all the time then how will they learn?
I made the biggest mistake when I became the overbearing mother. I thought that I was protecting my Daughter, boy did that turnaround and bite me well. I did not allow her to fail, I did not let her struggle, I did not allow her to grow when I tried to keep her from experiencing all that she should have. Now she will have to go it alone without me and do it all over again. She will have to fail, to struggle, to hurt and to heal from the past limited fear-based thoughts she was taught. I can pray for her and take solace that she was shown all she needed to get through these things. I hope she will find her way, but if she doesn’t then there is nothing more I can do for her. This is her life, she is the one who has to do what she needs to do to learn and grow.
I am better today, I have my ups and downs as my mind tries to shame me and make me feel bad for my decisions. I am listening to my heart which keeps telling me I did the most loving and honorable thing I could do. Today I pack all the things that were my daughters, and I will be shipping them back to her, she will not be allowed here around me and my home. I will not be contacting her again. I will have to decide if I will let her in my life if and when that time comes. It is a death that I am dealing with. It is not easy nor should it be. It is a necessity!!
Today I walk in freedom, as well as with grieve. I walk with the shadows of what was, what could have been and what is. I will make it through this, I do know there is better out there in my heart, but my weak mind will only see the loss. I will love, find peace in the wind as it blows today. The sun will be the hug I crave.
Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say good night till it is morrow.